Penis Length Survey

Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised the following foolproof test.
  1. First, disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
  2. Next, click the mouse in the following text field, so you can practice typing your penis into it:
  3. Then grasp your *thing* in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is "1234567890-+" the backspace key removes the `.)
  4. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your *thing* on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground.
  5. Click in the following text field and repeat the above test:
  6. Please press this button to your results to net.general and I'll summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.


  1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
  2. If necessary, use a special extended keyboard; or place two keyboards end to end.
  3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alchohol first.
  4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.
  5. Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.
Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:

If your test looks like this... then...
1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome.
12367 You have a strange gap in your penis.
12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend;
sometimes called jerker's lean.
12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care!