Penis Envy

Copyright 1984 Liu-tunes Inc.
Performed by Uncle Bonsai
Transcribed from their album "A lonely grain of corn"

If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.

I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
A penis to love me, a penis to share,
To pick up and play with when nobody's there.

I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle the chair.
I'd play with my fly, albeit with care.
I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets,
I'd stroll to the movies with hands deep in pockets.
I'd stick it in vacuums on vacant verandas
Gas-guzzling Volvos, and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drainpipes and doggies and ditches
?? and bottles and ??? and bitches
Zucchinis and zebras, potatoes, tom-ah-toes
And pineapples, pumpkins, and gulches and grottoes
And melons and marshmallows, gloves and gorrillas
Slurpees and slippers, Chinooks and chinchillas...


If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain,
I'd force it on females, I'd pee like a fountain.
If I had a penis, I'd still be a girl,
But I'd make much more money and conquer the world!