Urine Scam: A scene from a very bad B movie

Setting: Christmas time at the Oval Office.

[The president is sitting at his nice big desk, surrounded by piles of shredded paper, playing with his brand new Rambo doll and Strategic Defenders of the Universe set. Attorney General Edwin Meese III walks in the room and interrupts the busy President.]

Meese: Excuse me, Mr. President, but we've got a very bad problem on our hands. It has come to my attention that somebody urinated the words "Flush Regan" into the snow on the White House lawn.

Reagan: Why, no wonder there's a vile taste in the back of my throat! Uuh.. here, Ed, would you like a lemon snow cone?

Meese: Listen here, Ronnie, this is some real serious stuff here. This has got to be an inside job. I think I should launch a top secret Justice Department probe into this, pronto. Who knows whose what we might uncover?!

Reagan: Yeah, but make sure you cover it right back up again, you naughty boy! Do whatever you want. You know how I run my administration. [Wink, nod.]

[A few days later ...]

Meese: Mr. President, the Justice Department has just completed a thorough investigation of the Urine incident, and I've got some good news and some bad news for you to forget. The good news is that we sent the yellow snow to the CIA's urinalysis department, and after checking it against the pee of every government employee, they have positivly identified it. It's been determined that it's from from the Head of State, George Schultz.

Reagan: Oh, my. Actually I'm not really all that surprized, you know, Ed. We've suspected him of leaking ever since he refused to take the lie detector test. But what's the bad news that you're not going to tell me?

Meese: Well, Ronnie, the bad news is that it's Nancy's handwriting.

[Stay tuned for the next episode in the unfolding story: The Contraceptive Connection!]