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How to Suffer, a Handbook [cover page] Simple & Easy Directions to Home-Made Suffering! Never Formulate Melodramtic or Ineffectual Suffering Again! [picture of a smiling, grinning devil's face] [instructions, pg.1] 1. Do Not Smile 2. Do Not Become Happy 3. Lose a Loved One, or Two 4. Disconnect Your Phone 5. Disconnect Your TV, Stereo, VCR, Microwave, and Refrigerator 6. Make Your Pets Into Dinner 7. Move to Houston and Do Not Buy an Airconditioner 8. Rub Bubble Gum in Your Hair 9. Set Fire to Your Armpits, Only 10. Fuck a Friend, or Two 11. Eat Your Furniture [pg.2] 12. Forget Your Rent 13. Lose Your Job 14. Do Not Pay Your Insurance 15. Rear-end Another Car 16. Do Not Use Sunscreen on the Beach for Ten Hours 17. If You are Vegetarian, Eat Hamburgers 18. If You are Environmental, Drink from Paper Cups 19. If You are Not Politically Correct, Say "[X]-Challenged" Often 20. Living on the Southside of a West-East Menlo Park/East Palo Alto Street, Turn Right 21. Attack a Rabid Dog 22. Break All of Your Bones 23. Near a Ghetto, Wear the Wrong Colors 24. Relocate to Somalia 25. Fuck Your Father 26. Fuck Your Mother [pg.3] Key Ingredient: Tell the World to Fuck Off so You Can Be All Alone and Suffer [picture of a slumped figure] (c) Lies, Inc. -- Jennifer Crystal Fang-Chien |